“Teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”
-Psalm 90:12-
What life means to you? Have you ever thought its true meaning?
I remember years ago, someone asked me about it and I answered, “Life is a successful career. Life is about fame. Life is a cabinet of achievements. Life is a cloud of wealth. Life is a mesmerizing beauty.” As an individual who worked in a corporate world, I had to live to these definitions for several years. More than I had wanted to be the best, I needed to be competent and competitive at all times. I was always in a hurry. I was unstoppable! Until one day, God surprised me with His unbearable gift.
It was October 2007, the radiologist was performing the whole abdomen ultrasound on my body due to the effect of amoebiasis medication when she incidentally found out that I had 10 cms. malignant tumor in my right ovary. I thought of it as a big joke only to be told by the specialist that a major surgical operation to remove my right ovary was necessary. I felt the whole world fell down on me. I felt helpless. I had not yet undergone any surgical operation. I did not want my right ovary to be removed. I was undeniably depressed but denial with my condition. I kept convincing myself that I was just dreaming and having a nightmare. But, I was not!
It was one of the lowest and saddest point of my existence, and I did not know what to do. I was preparing for the biggest blast in my career when the disease hit me. I had to give it up to prioritize my condition. It was aching so deep that I cannot help but to pity myself. I learned to be tough in the facade especially when I was facing my family and friends. But, when I was alone especially at night before I go to sleep, I always become a little girl who needed a pillow to cry on. I took a leave at work to undergo several medical examinations from different Gynecologists but the findings were all the same. I have an ovarian malignant tumor and needed to undergo surgery.
My mind was at lost. There were lots of sleepless, crying nights. At times, I woke up in the middle of the night and poured out myself into tears while asking “God, why me? What have I done to be punished?” Different emotions were hiding inside of me – anger, fear, sadness, confusion. I was helpless so I rested my hope on God. Despite of my condition, I knew He will save me from danger. And He did!
After three months of battling from the disease through health supplements and nothing happened, I finally surrendered. Maybe, it was not His way of healing me. I prayed for a doctor whom I can trust my life, and whatever the doctor’s decision regarding my condition was His decision as well, and I am willing to follow.
On the 23rd of January 2008, He led me to the hospital where I met the doctor I had prayed for. I was checked and underwent different medical examinations. After two weeks of medical laboratories with my Gynecologist monitoring, I was scheduled for a major surgical operation which is the removal of my right ovary.
A week before the operation, it was amazing how to have felt excitement instead of apprehension for the surgery, knowing that there was a probability of me to undergo chemotherapy and radiation in the event they find out that one of my lymph nodes (kulani) is infected. I believed it was God who was working in me.
The night before the operation was the moment I had a heartfelt fellowship with God. I realized that He had been good to me all throughout even when I thought He was just punishing me. I understood that my plans which I had kept on pursuing were not His plans for me. I suddenly realized that I never allowed Him to rule my life which was the reason why I was hurting. I realized how much He wanted me to be His friend and to trust my whole being to Him. I realized how much He wanted to take good care of me. I cannot put myself to sleep. I talked to Him all night. I asked for forgiveness. I told Him that I was resting my life to Him through the hands of my surgeons. I never stopped expressing my gratefulness for His overflowing love for me. Finally, I felt his presence. It was as if He was just a hand away from me! When I thought of having an amoebiasis as a way of finding out of an ovarian mass in my body, I considered it as a miracle. If not through that, the tumor might have completely corrupted my reproductive organ without even knowing it!
February 12, 2008 at exactly 7 o’clock in the morning, the surgical procedures was done that lasted for two hours. After five hours of being asleep, I woke up in the whimpering sound in the recovery room. I felt I was a new born baby trying to slowly open my little eyes to see my mommy when my surgeon got near to check on me. I was exhausted. I cannot move my body. I talked a few. I wanted to close my eyes. However, I was relieved that finally it was over because God wanted it to be over.
After the surgery, I stayed in the hospital for three more days and was discharged eventually. God had been wonderful for He let my fastest recovery to happen. It was five days after the operation, my family, OB-Gyne, and I almost jumped for joy because the results of the pathology for the mucinous cystadenoma (tumor named) was benign! It was first diagnosed as malignant. According to my doctor, it was another miracle God performed to show His love for me, to which I agreed!
It’s been years when that episode in my life happened, but as if, it was only yesterday. Looking back, there are times I still ask myself, “What if I never had an amoebiasis? What if I never had a tumor?” Maybe, I would have been at the top of my career. Maybe, I would have been successful in the corporate world. And maybe, I would have been too busy to understand how much God wants me to be with Him.
If someday I would be asked if I want to change that event in my life, I will certainly tell, “Why would I want it to be changed? Through that I have finally understood the real meaning of life.” Years ago, I look at life in an earthly meaning. I now realized that life is not ours. My life is not mine. God owns it and whenever He wants to take it away from me by all means, I do not have the power to control it.
It took a certain incident for me to acknowledge that in this life, I am just a passenger and God is my driver. I am just a visitor in a journey having a spiritual green card to complete my purpose. In the right time, I have to go back to where I am belonged.
My days are numbered. My breath is counted. My life is short because here on earth, I am just a traveler who is just passing through.