Thank You For My Being (My Birthday Reflection)

Upon waking up, I faced the mirror and fixed my hair. While combing, I looked intently at the image in front of me. Another year has been added to the age of this lady yet looks like nothing has changed with her physically. Ugh, it hits me... This is me and on this very day, I aged a year older. How time flies... It felt like it was yesterday when I celebrated my birthday last year, and today I am celebrating it again. I smiled. 

Hmmm... I asked myself, "what's the difference of my birthday today from last year?" I got silent for a while as I realized that nothing's different. The reality is I am still single and longing to get married pretty soon. Laughters. I am carefree now. I learned not to take things too seriously. I remember, a guy told me how 'cool' I was. It sounded good to my ear. It meant I was able to get out of my 'mother superior' image, the impression I left to my former officemates. Sigh. I hope not now anymore. 

On a significant note, I cannot deny the fact that I have been existing on this earth for more than three decades. I have my countless ups and downs in life. I have my fair share of joys and sorrows. I laughed to death, and I cried a river. I once desired my pain to end, and wished to go to the other dimension where everything is different, only to have grasped that this is earth and not paradise. But, can we really not bring paradise here on earth? This is my question since I was a little girl that until now hasn't been answered.   

My head keeps bombarding my mind with questions. "How long will I live?", "Do I still have enough time to do the things that I want and need to do before that day comes?", "Will I ever fulfill my purpose here on earth?", "How are we gonna end the sufferings?", etc. etc. Then finally, I rest on the fact that there are questions with no answer, or perhaps, the answers haven't found yet. This simply means that I have to loosen up and let the universe take care of my uncertainties.

When I was in my twenties, I felt I was a fifty-year-old woman in a body of a twenty something girl. I viewed the world differently that sentenced me to the image of being weirdo. I was toughed in many ways. I stick to what I believed in, and was always ready with a defense. I only realized now that I already had my advocacy ever since I've begun working... That makes me happy. 

Looking back at my countless mistakes, I learned to better myself - better than I used to be. I realized that I cannot please every one so it is best to say 'no' without the necessity to explain myself. I learned to let go of people who don't value me as I deserved, and to be happy with those who see my beauty and worth. I learned to be prudent with my finances by simply knowing when I should or should not go to the mall for shopping. I have nightmares with credit cards; I, therefore, need to close the three of them as soon as possible. Deepest sigh. I learned to perceive wisely and get acquainted more with my intuition and fully trust it. I understood clearly that nothing is too late, and I can always begin a new interest, pursue my old hobby, and hone my skills.    

I am more wiser now. I already know when it is and when it is not. I care for people but I care no more about their thoughts. I am handling myself well and always picking it up when I fall. There are things that aren't meant for me regardless of how hard I try, I am letting them go. I learned to keep my small circle close and I am contented with it. Many may be displeased with my life decisions, but I resolved the conflict by assuring myself that no one owns me apart from God. This life is a gift from my Father in heaven, and I have the full responsibility of making this fruitful and worthwhile. 

It feels like I am in a seemingly endless journey, but who knows how long do I have to journey to get to my destination. In my every walk, one of the many great things I feel thankful for is having this life. Every day, I thank God for my beautiful life. I am truly grateful to Him for my being. 

I came across this birthday devotion while I was reading a prayer booklet. From then on, I claimed this as mine and say it every time I celebrate my birthday. Here it goes...  

Today, O Lord, I celebrate my birthday. 

There are a few words I want to say

which vividly express my feelings 

and the thoughts uppermost in my mind. 

I address them to you, Lord:

Thank you so much!

I thank you for this beautiful life...

nurtured and cared for by a responsible family, 

enriched and enlivened by true friends,

made meaningful and worthwhile by their love. 

Yes, I thank you for believing in me

even though I sometimes fail to follow your Word:

I thank you for your unwavering trust 

even though I sometimes fail to follow your plan.

I thank you for searching for me 

even when I willfully neglect you and hide from you.

You guide me away from sin and shame:

my lips will speak of my gratitude.

You direct me to the most noble goals

and help me garner great honors:

my heart will beat in thanksgiving. 

You rescue me from the pit of destruction,

I will leave my life in total obedience to you.

O Lord, you have showered me with your blessings:

please continue to bless my life.

You have protected me countless of times:

please keep me under your care forever. 

You have given me your love unconditionally, 

please do not take it away from me. 

O Lord, please continue to bless 

the people who make my life

useful,

memorable, 

worth living. 

Please take care of those 

who look after my well-being.

They have accepted me 

as a member of their family,

please welcome them into your home. 

Today, as I celebrate my birthday,

help me, O dear Lord, my brother and friend,

to live for others,

to achieve my goals,

to fulfill your plan for me. 

Let me spend my life for your greater glory. 

I thank you for the gift of my life, Lord,

and for all that you have done for me. 

Amen. 

By the way, I went back to dating with the full hope that before I hit my forties which is five years from now, I am already hitched and have a beautiful family by then. The thought makes me smile. 😊

Does love hurt or is it being inlove?

I often hear the question, "Why love can't be simple?" or "Why love doesn't always have to be happy?". Many believe you cannot love without getting hurt. When you learn to love, you have to prepare yourself from all the sorrows that will come your way. They say hurt is the twin of love. Is that really it? 

Wondering, I separated my mind from my emotion, and tried to look at love in a different perspective. I asked what is love in the first place. It took me several minutes to answer my own question. Love is more than just a word. It is a static embodiment of something that is eternal. It cannot be broken as it is something that cannot hold by anyone. It resides in our inner core and has its own mind.  In personification, it is sharing your whole self that includes your mind, heart and soul to the person or people you want to be part of your life's journey here on earth. When I say your 'whole self', it means giving a big part of you without hesitation or inhibition. Thus, this also means giving without expecting anything in return. You give freely and then let go. 

Another question popped in my head, "What does being inlove means?" This question is a lot easier for me to answer because this always happens to me, and I allow it as it feels good. Being inlove is when you realized that the attraction you feel for the person goes a little further. It means a simple thought of him makes you smile and you allow your heart beats faster. It means you cannot sleep at night because he is capturing your mind, and yet you still have all the energy upon waking up in the morning. It means it makes you feel everything is changing in you - your smile, your voice, your thoughts, your ways, and you have no explanation why is that so. It means you found an inspiration and you don't want to let go...

The conflict there is, we always connote 'inlove' to the word 'love', when in fact the first word is 'just' a feeling of your being that will eventually fade away. The latter, on the other hand, is constant and eternal. The feelings will go, but the love will remain. Everything will pass away including the feelings and emotions, but the love will forever be constant. 

The hurt that we feel is not because of love; it is because we are being 'inlove'. We tend to become attach to the feeling as it makes us feel good and happy. We put lots of efforts for our feelings to get noticed. We show our own way of loving because that is how we want to be loved in return. And, because it is a feeling we cannot help but to have expectations such as we want it to be reciprocated because later on we know that it will slowly grow faint. We need it to be requited to sustain the feeling and to uphold the spellbinding emotions. Apparently, the longing to be love in return is in most cases often left ignored; that's when it hits us the hardest and give us heartaches. All of a sudden, the once magical feeling became an intense curse for us.   

I am not saying that when we are inlove we do not love. The truth is, when we are inlove is the moment that we give love the most. However, the involvement of feelings and emotions is what eventually gives us the feeling of 'being hurt'. Admiringly, others can sustain to love through pains and heartaches. It's a selfless act to set aside the crashing feeling because we need to show some love. This is love in its real essence.       

It is good to be inlove, but it is admirable to love. Love doesn't hurt. It is 'being inlove' that hurts.      

Waiting

My work is finished and the day is over;

happy I should be, but it seems never.

I'll go home on my own,

and I'll eat alone.

Wishing you are here

longing you to be near.

It's late at night

and everything is dark.

I turn off my bedroom's light,

but the sleepy eyes do not spark.

Wishing you are here

longing you to be near.

Tick tack says the clock

then the dawn hits the black.

It's morning clears the sky above;

how I wish I can express my love.

Wishing you are here

longing you to be near.

I prepare my whole day

and soon head to work.

Focus doesn't make me go hay;

busyness is a seal of cork.

Wishing you are here

longing you to be near.

About later again today,

same things will happen as I go my own way...

Oh, how I long you to be near...

How I wish you are here...